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I first experimented with dressing in women’s clothing in my preteens around the age of ten. I would sneak my mother’s panties and bras and put them on stuffing them with nylons to fill the bra and hide my boyhood. I also stuffed the rear of the panties so I would have a butt and then dress in a dress. All this would take place in the attic where I would be alone and free from being caught. My big mistake was to hide some of the ill gotten booty under my pillow and it was found by my mother. This led to a confrontation with both my mother and father who severely chastised me with threats of being taken to a shrink to “fix” me. Well, growing up in a family of two brothers and a father who was in all things a “man’s man” was a real blow, and I had to suppress any thoughts of being a female. This led to sports in school, hunting and fishing with Dad and then to the military during the Vietnam War and a career in Law Enforcement afterwards. Even two unsuccessful marriages (which produced one daughter) and raising a niece were all covers for the eventual coming out for me. Looking back now, I see that all this was a subconscious move to suppress my true feelings and conform to all that a male was supposed to be. Wow, could a life have been any more macho for someone who was in a constant struggle to be female? It was during the second marriage that I realized that something was very wrong with my life, and I was in a constant struggle with myself. During a very severe bout with cancer I took a good, hard look at where my life was and where it was going. I came to realize that I needed to be happy with me. It was during this time that I realized that the inner struggle was between being a macho male and the desire to be female. I decided to stop struggling and succumb to my inner desires, and I started to dress and got on a hormone treatment (herbal). I also went to a Transgender Psychologist and after several sessions realized that I was never happier than when I was in the female role. Of course, my wife did not understand what was going on and became extremely hostile and bitter. Her judgemental attitude tore our relationship apart. She even had a session with the “shrink” I was seeing, but her mind was closed to any explanation except for the one that was in line with her reasoning. She felt that what I was doing was an abomination and I would fry in hell for it. Well, rather than keep the stress and struggle going, I left the marriage and began to live alone where I could come home from work, dress and be comfortable in my female side. I even joined Sissify.com and went thru numerous exercises including, but not limited to, menstrual training and makeup, etc. At this time I also went to a Dr. John O’Dea at the Hamilton Center. He is a well known endocrinologist in the Los Angeles area. After a two to three hour consultation, I had the first of several hormone treatments of estradiol and progesterone in pellet form. They were inserted under the skin of my left buttock and are slow acting. He followed it up with a shot to boost the effects of the hormones. The effects of these hormones were noticeable within the two hour drive time to get back home. I was in a calm, serene mood. This lasted several days and I started to see changes almost within a day. My emotions were running wildly from calm to crying for the smallest things. I found myself reacting to scenes in movies and becoming emotional at the smallest things. Within two weeks, my breasts were tender and sensitive to the touch. They would also itch constantly which is not very ladylike. By the end of the second month, I was an “A” cup and by the end of the second treatment, about six months later, I was almost a “C “ cup which is where I am today. My skin became softer and my hair was finer on my legs and chest and fuller on my head and crotch area. These changes will be and are permanent and I will now always have breasts, but I am so much happier now and I feel so much more feminine. I find that I can empathize with the female gender and understand them so much better now, and I also find that I am not as confrontational as I used to be. I would not ever want to revert back to that macho SOB that I used to be. I now embrace my female side. |